As the holidays approach, the need to get the perfect gift for mom or your best friend, worrying about saying the perfect thing to your boss, wearing the perfect outfit, making the perfect decision, or looking perfect at the family holiday party starts to invade our thoughts.
My own quest for perfection has made my life full of constant failure, fear, and frustration. Never quite being good enough at just about everything.
I’ve lived my life with this internal need to do everything right, make sure everyone is happy, and always say and do the right thing. Let me tell you, it has put a lot of pressure on me.
And I know I’m not alone…
Introducing Perfectionist Patty.
Many of the women I work with have a Perfectionist Patty who lives inside their heads.
It’s an internal voice that drives them to perfection. It is a constant pressure to look perfect, act perfect, be perfect…
Another voice you might have inside your head is from Judge Foody. Instead of a perfectionism dialogue, Judge Foody is focused on criticizing every food choice you make. Here’s how to boot your inner food critic out.
This Perfectionist Patty is constantly striving: striving to be thinner, smarter, prettier, more successful, more popular…yet no matter what, this voice never quiets down. She is never satisfied, happy, or content.
Perfectionist Patty is convinced you can be perfect, do everything perfectly, have life all figured out, and be liked by everyone.
She always has a way of making sure you know you never quite measure up. She drives you to live in fear of making a mistake, being wrong, forgetting something, or “slipping up.”
What is perfectionism, really?
Somehow, I had gotten swallowed up by the belief that I wouldn’t be seen, heard, or loved if I wasn’t perfect…leading me into this cycle of trying, failing, and then beating myself up for it…over and over again.
Until…I asked these questions:
- Can I actually ever really be perfect?
- What does this “being perfect” actually look like anyway?
- Is it even possible for anyone to be perfect?
Is this drive to be perfect actually a drive to be seen as perfect in the eyes of everyone else?
Isn’t Perfectionist Patty constantly looking to others to make sure she is doing everything right? Doesn’t she actually thrive on getting her sense of worth through the approval of others? Isn’t she on the constant lookout for others to let her know you are ok, good enough, worthy?
As Canadian poet Thomas Cooley put it more confusingly in 1992, “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”
Read it slowly, one part at a time, and you’ll see what I mean…
This is crazy talk, isn’t it, to leave your own worth and value in the hands of others?
The shift of perspective happens with insight…and this was my own wake-up call to begin releasing my inner Perfectionist Patty.
First stop? Read what my mentor Brene Brown had to say about it:
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame.
Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgement and blame, which then leads to more shame, judgement and blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough”
Yup, that is me, I have been in pursuit of an unattainable goal.
I have been enmeshed in a way of thinking that just kept me stuck. It was keeping me from being me, being happy, and being content.
If you constantly feel like you’re not meeting this unattainable goal of being perfect, chances are your self-talk might not always be on the kinder side. Here are 3 steps for more positive self-talk.
In this pursuit of perfection, I was caught in a cycle of continuous self-sabotage. I realized no matter how much time and energy I spent trying to be perfect, I would never meet the expectations of others…I would never have control over what others thought of me.
Embracing our imperfections.
With baby steps, I began to notice and quiet down Perfectionist Patty, by beginning to embrace my own imperfections.
The more that I embraced my own uniqueness and allowed myself to just feel and be myself, the happier I became.=
Our imperfections are exactly what make us special and unique, because:
- They are what draws others towards you
- The uniqueness where you find deeper connections with others
- This is where you find out that you are not alone, and others share your fears, struggles and pain
- They are where peace and contentment live
- This is where happiness is found
This quest for perfection only spins us in circles of feelings of failure and frustration.
Are you ready to make 2020 the year you decide to release this pursuit for perfection by realizing it is within the perfect imperfections that make you the beautiful, perfect human you are?
Here are 3 healthy habits you can adopt to improve your relationship with yourself.
You are who you are because of your imperfections, not in spite of them.
Need help on this quest to let go of the pursuit of perfection? Let’s talk. Click here to schedule a free Body Joyful Breakthrough Session.
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